Mother Guilt

Why is it that, when we have a child with special needs, we feel that we have to experience everything with them as they grow up? Is it like that for our typical kids? I think about that a lot lately, because Jared is growing up and finding his own interests and activities; he is involved with his new world, his grown up world with friends I don't know and a schedule I don't follow. Often, he goes to events that I used to frequent, probably because he needed me there to support him, and probably because I needed to be around other parents like me. So, now, he goes alone; he meets his friends wherever he is going. And I do things that don't include him.  That has to be ok, right? Then why the guilt? Is it because we have been such an integral part of our children's lives since the day they were born, holding our breath as they navigated every step in their new world? Apologizing to society with words or a look when they did something that didn't quite fit the norm? Helicopter parents, not often by choice, but by necessity. When do we stop hovering and say to our adult child, "It is ok to go now. You don't have to look back at me over your shoulder to read my face in order to gauge my reaction. It is ok for you to not tell me everything. Frankly, I don't want to know everything. I want you to have safe secrets, young adult secrets that don't require my input"? You moms and dads out there with kids like Jared know that look. Our sons and daughters obtain so many social cues from our faces, don't you think? I look forward to the day that Jared too looks forward, rather than back at me and makes the right choices for himself, and goes through life his self-appointed master.  Right now, I will continue to gently nudge him; however,  I will give myself permission to let Jared do things without me having to be there, without having to organize and protect every last move that he makes. I will do right by him if I do that, don't you think?

Growing up With Jared: 21 years 21 years...

Growing up With Jared: 21 years 21 years...: On the night Jared was born, the book, the pregnancy bible said, "be sure to pack a snack for your birth partner. And so, when labor b...

21 years 21 years...

On the night Jared was born, the book, the pregnancy bible said, "be sure to pack a snack for your birth partner. And so, when labor began in the wee hours of March 7th 1993, I packed carrots and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on whole wheat bread for Jared's father to eat during labor and delivery. I packed peanut butter when I should have packed hope....and perserverance...and unconditional love....and humor; I would need a lot of that...and flexibility; I would need even more of that. And while I'm at it, that book would have been more aptly titled: "What to Expect When What You Expect Does NOT Happen". That would have been a good book I think. That might have prepared me for the next 21 years, years that began with a hearty cry from my infant, whom doctors would soon tell me was different than other babies. An infant that might not talk right away, walk right away, perhaps might not be the most independent of guys.... This was a time when the first books I pulled from the library used words like Mongoloid and Mental Retardation. And from these, I was supposed to learn? And so, the next 21 years commenced...
 If I had to classify these years, it might look something like this:
 Momentous-Jared surviving two heart surgeries, meningitis, and pneumonia;  Possible-Jared dancing the night away at the Gigi's Playhouse Gala the other night. Momentous-Jared talking clearly and being able to tell me what he needs or wants; Possible-Jared giving a speech about shredding the R-word to an entire high school student body in a couple of weeks-twice! Momentous-Jared learning to walk and dress himself; Possible- a paying job at the pizza shop 3 days a week and courses at the local college... Momentous-Jared telling me, his mom,  that he loves me; Possible-Jared telling his girlfriend that he loves her and wants to go to the prom with her and maybe marry her some day... Momentous- Jared hearing me sing to him after the doctor said he may lose all of his hearing when he was sick; Possible-Jared recording his first single where he sings of the love of that girl... Momentous-Jared learning that letters make words and words make sentences; Possible-Jared being the author of his own blog, one he created for parents of kids like him, he tells me. Momentous-Jared holding his fork and feeding himself for the first time; Possible- Jared walking to the car tonight after work with a bottle of hard cider from a co-worker that he has been charged to enjoy tomorrow, on his 21st birthday.
So, you see, when what you are expecting to happen doesn't really happen as you thought it would, you still have those momentous occasions, but more importantly, you find out that so much is possible, that so much more than you ever thought, is possible.
Happy Birthday to my son, my boy who just came up behind me and gave me a most precious gift, a kiss on my cheek, a cheek that is 21 years older and that has been softened by tears, by laughter, and by time...